What appear to be close, loving relationships can sometimes be rooted in control and oppression. In this episode, we’re talking about distorted love: how to know when you’re controlled by it, how to distinguish it from true love, and how to transcend it.


  • In our culture, we assume that if two people have a close relationship, it’s only about love. But control tends to creep into a lot of close relationships. Because we love somebody, it’s easy to think that we know what’s best for them. Soon we begin to try to impose our will over that person (or vice versa). Patterns of control and fear take over. This is distorted love.

  • Distorted love looks like a close relationship, but when looked at closely there are a lot of “shoulds”, guilt, and obligation imposed on one person by another. This dynamic often distorts into patterns of fear and control.

  • Control in relationship often happens because we fear loss in some way: we fear the other person will leave us, so there’s a need to bind them to us. As you remove distortion patterns, you’ll notice a diminishing need to control the other person — and less tolerance for control when it’s exerted upon you. Your sense of completeness won’t hinge on the other people in your relationships. 

  • If you’re in a relationship with someone who isn’t doing frequency work, there are a couple of possibilities on how the relationship dynamic may shift as you clear distortion patterns. Your partner may either move along with you, gaining internal strength and shaking off a need to control. Or they may feel threatened and double down on exerting their control. 

  • When we impose our ideas of what’s best on another, it can be a slippery slope. It doesn’t take long for your will to oppress someone else’s. This is an opportunity for you to look at the relationships you have and see where this dynamic might be playing out.

  • It becomes harder for a person to ascend when they’re oppressing someone else with their will: it’s not neutral, and it’s a very ego-based practice. If it seems like you might be doing this, examine why you’re vested in thinking that your way is the right way. Look at your attachment to the rulesets you’ve created for others. Where can you become more neutral?

  • It’s difficult to release these patterns through mental practices or techniques. Distorted love often has strong roots in our lineage and cultures — it’s usually extremely entrenched. Listening to the GFC, ideally multiple times, will help release control and fear patterns faster, pushing you toward neutrality in relationships.