Of the various aunts and uncles on both sides of my parents’ families, my father’s only sister was the one I knew best when I was growing up.
Every summer she’d come visit for a few weeks and live with us.
She had no children of her own and my mom (who was close to her) felt it would be good for her to form a relationship with my sister and me. It was my mom’s way of sharing what she had with someone else.
My aunt was a formidable woman.
She worked extremely hard and in her spare time and volunteered as much as she could. After a bout with ovarian cancer, she wasn’t able to work any more but she still volunteered—A LOT.
For the cancer society, for the Olympics, for all sorts of charities. It almost seemed like she was busier volunteering than she was when she had been working.
In fact, she really couldn’t stop volunteering even when she needed a bit of a break.
I always thought it was admirable, and I still do, but now with my abilities I can see that in addition to her abundant generosity of spirit, she was also driven by a sense of low self-worth. Whether she realized it or not, she was in part compelled by personal, cultural and religious distortion patterns to volunteer, which helped her feel worthy of being loved, worthy of the divine, worthy of receiving, etc.
And of course this type of compulsion is not unique to her—unfortunately it’s all too common.
In this week’s episode (#81) Dennis and I discuss the “helper frequency,” what some of the underlying patterns that motivate us to help are, and how a clear and strong foundation can allow us to have more choice and free will around helping.
The free Group Frequency Calibration® (GFC) at the end is the most important part – it will begin to help you to release the distortion patterns that may be causing you to help others at too high a price to yourself, so that you can help from a stronger, more stable place which ultimately has more positive impact.
Without clearing these distortion patterns, we can run the risk of emburdening ourselves unintentionally and ironically being less effective as a helper as a result.
Here is to clearer contribution!
• The helper frequency runs through many of us, and—when it’s running clearly—it’s fantastic. Helpers are sensitive to the energetic and emotional states of others. But this frequency can become distorted.
• One pattern of a distorted helper frequency is an unwillingness to say no—a feeling that if you’re a good person, you must help everyone—even if it’s to your detriment. A feeling that if you say no, you’re a bad person.
• Another distorted pattern is taking on another’s suffering: their stress, anxiety, and emotional garbage. Women are particularly susceptible to this within their familial roles: there’s a distortion that says in order to be a good mother/daughter/wife/sister, you have to take on the suffering of your kin.
• Do you have a hard time holding boundaries? Do other people dump their stuff on you? The first step is to recognize and notice if this happens to you. Then, the fastest way to shift it is through frequency work (like by listening to the free GFC in this episode).
• Once that groundwork is established, watch yourself and ask why you’re helping. If it makes you feel loved or worthy, notice that. It’s part of confirming the deletion of the pattern and will help you start to hold boundaries with people who want to take advantage of you.
• As you do more frequency work, your friends and relationships may start to shift because those who used to dump their burdens on you can no longer do that. Notice if you try to rescue those old relationships or have a tendency to want to—again, the noticing is part of confirming the deletion of the pattern.
• Weighing yourself down with another person’s burdens doesn’t actually resolve their problem—at best, it only provides them brief emotional relief. Their frequency distortions are still running, and they still have their own journey to transcend. You can’t take their lesson from them.
• It all comes back to self-awareness and accountability. Watch yourself and your motivations to help. Do you need to give your gifts from a clearer and stronger foundation?